:: The Anonymous ::

Ideals

2006-05-25T22:39:00.000-07:00

Each of us holds ideals: the ideal friend, the ideal job, the ideal love, the ideal person. We strive to be the ideal person, we long to meet the ideal friend, and we hope to achieve the ideal life. However, in placing our highest goals and loftiest dreams in these ideals, we release the possiblity of ever reaching them. While this impossibility is not necessarily bad, it must not hinder us from achieving nonetheless. We should maintain our ideals, but at the same time we must keep reality in clear sight.

The ideal is, by nature, unreachable. For that sole reason, we must accept what is less than ideal. I do not advocate lowering one's dreams to an attainable level, nor do I suggest surrendering. I do think that man must face his imperfection. The ideal is a noble goal, but we must live while we pursue it. Those who spend their entire lives pursuing nothing but the ideals will find only failure. We must, in trying to attain our ideals, embrace reality as well. For example, if we search for the absolutely perfect spouse, we search for someone who doesn't even exist. Embrace reality, accept the sub-ideal, but do not sacrifice the ideals in doing so. It is often said that beauty often hides in people's small flaws. If we ignore the flawed while searching for the ideal, we would miss this hidden beauty.

Do reach for the ideal, but acknowledge the real, and always live.

Dear friend...

2006-01-27T06:05:00.000-08:00

To my friend,

You're timeless. Exceptional. You're a hard act to follow; you know it and he knows it too. She won't ever be able to fill your shoes because you're one of a kind; being a beautiful person inside and out, a thoughtful friend and a loving girlfriend isn't easy but you make it look effortless. You're the perfect package and any guy would be tremendously lucky to be in your line of vision -- and if you don't agree, then you don't see what I see.

I'll always be here to stand beside you and walk with you, as long as you need me. But even when you feel you may not need me any longer, I'll be right behind you just incase.

Love,
Your friend

Increase in Interest-rate

2005-10-19T03:25:00.000-07:00

When I am interested in someone, it's not always because of a particular reason; oftentimes, a single butterfly/ a skip of a heartbeat/ a warm tingly sensation define my feelings for another.

Interest shouldn't always be governed by reason or logic; it's what you embrace when you stop thinking and start feeling.

As for me, I don't like to call people on the phone. If I call you out of the blue to talk to you, most likely, it means I am interested.

How do you know when you are interested in someone?

Looks Matter

2005-10-03T08:49:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny what some people will put up with from an attractive person, yet won't put up with from an unattractive person?

I know a guy who will bend over backwards for his attractive girlfriend, no matter how bratty and b*tchy she gets, yet with his ex-girlfriend (who pretty much treated him like a King but was only fairly attractive to him), he didn't give a rat's bum about how he treated her.

I know a girl who took so much horsedung her good looking ex-boyfriend flung at her but can't stand the little things her current boyfriend (who is only somewhat attractive to her) does. And he treats her like a Princess, too. Poor chap.

Regardless of what some people say about how looks don't really matter, they really do in the end. I know girls who always talk about how they just want someone who treats them well but once they get that, they look for something better. Having an average looking guy who treats them well just won't do so they start looking for bigger and better-looking fishes who will treat them just as well.

Sometimes, a nice guy with average looks doesn't get enough credit (unless they're on their way to getting an MD, PHd, JD, MBA etc.). You have to admit many more girls will go for an average looking guy if he has one of these degrees over an average looking guy who is in charge of janitorial services at Burger King, who may treat her like she'd want to be treated.

Some girls say they want a nice guy who will treat them right but throw her an average Joe who works at Tacos Deliciosos (but will treat her like a Princess!) and I'm sure some of those gals will throw this guy back into the lake and wait for something bigger to bite. Like a Harvard MBA who has seven figures riding his bank account.

And we can't forget about the gals who take advantage of these do-gooders all the while whining about wanting to find a great guy.

So really, when you say you want a nice guy, you mean a nice guy who also has ambition and someone you can look at without wanting to gouge your eyes out. Right? You really should put that disclaimer in there, somewhere.

Well, at least guys (for the most part) are more honest about wanting someone who is attractive. I don't think this makes them shallow; I think this makes them realistic and honest about what they want in a significant other. Girls who find this to be a turn-off or think they are jerks for wanting this are probably insecure.

As for me, I've dated guys who may not be very attractive to most and were not guys I'd normally go for -- but they were wonderful individuals. And on the flipside, I've dated guys I thought were great looking only to find out they were players or assholes.

Now, I'm just holding out for someone who has a great balance of everything. I don't get googly eyed when I see an attractive man nor do I turn away from guys who are less attractive. I'd rather just ride the wave and see if everything else balances out right.

In addition:
Treating your friends or family members differently based on how they look is just foul. I met someone who treats her cute boy far better than her not-as-cute boy and that totally turned me off. It's your family, your blood. You don't favor one over another just based on looks.

And as far as friends are concerned, how does having an attractive friend really help you so much to the point where you'll discriminate against the not-so-attractive ones? Why, because having good looking friends will get you into the club faster? Big whoop. I think if you need to hold them to such standards, you need to take a good look at yourself in the mirror and ask if looks *really* matter all that much in a friendship.

Will looks pick you up when you're stranded out in the middle of nowhere? Will looks lend you his/her shoulder when you're feeling down? Will looks bail you out of jail without a second thought? No, but character will.

Sure you may think you look *cool* hanging out with a bunch of great looking people because you probably think you will be good looking and cool by association but grow up. That's so high school.

R e n e w a l

2005-09-08T06:09:00.000-07:00

For each ruby drop my heart bled, countless diamonds my eyes wept.

As soon as his plane landed, he expensed a rent-a-car and made his journey back to a past he'd left behind/ into my present/ with hopes of securing our future. I wasn't ready to receive him but I welcomed him the best way I knew how -- with coldness, and distance. Sadly, that was all I could give.

We sat on the steps leading up to my house, taken hostage by the deafening silence and a past that wouldn't let go. The warmth of his hands, the passion burning behind his tender gaze and the heat produced by the chemistry of two who once loved so deeply and achingly, couldn't melt the ice that had hardened around my heart.

As I painstakingly searched for words to break the silence, I took notice of the suitcases that stood by our feet. They looked full -- packed with hopes, his dreams, with ample space available for a part of me he would take with him, possibly. But there wasn't a part of me I was willing to give. Not anymore, at least.

I stopped my search; there wasn't anything left to say. Though I applauded the effort, my heart could not warm up to him, nor did it want to expend the energy needed to.

I told him it was getting late and for him to leave. There's a decent hotel just around the corner, I advised. He reached for my hand, pleading with voice muted, his sorrowful eyes trying to etch some sense into me.

...and the ice, the ice slowly started to melt...

I freed myself from his grasp/ his regrets/ his foolish miscalculations and made my way down the stairs. And down those stairs, we took our last steps together.

After we hugged for what seemed like hours, I glanced over at him as he walked away; effortlessly gliding through the thickness of the summer air -- as did my tears; leather-wrapped feet perforating the grassy divide -- as he once did my idealism; the slight bob of his head drumming the exhausted beat of my aching heart;

-- His impenetrable mystique, no longer hammered by my questioning eyes. I no longer questioned but knew.

...and yet the ice, the ice continued to melt...

He stopped and looked back at me, tears making a pond of his eyes. I cursed them for clouding something I once found to be so beautiful. So heartbreakingly beautiful.

...and the ice, the ice that had kept the two halves of my heart together, melted away, leaving my heart exposed and vulnerable... parted in two once again...

I shook my head.

He nodded.

No more tears left to shed, for they refused him. Tearless and unmoved, I watched him walk out of my life for the second and last time.

* * * * *

Each break-up has an expiration date set for a possible renewal.

In this case, too little just too late.

How do you know when he or she is 'the' one?

2005-09-05T05:17:00.000-07:00

[I'm in no mood to organize my thoughts at this point. Scattered thought sequence -- begin.]

You no longer think the sweatpants, baggy t-shirts and hair scrunchy she dons look cute on her. His gas emissions no longer make you giggle. The way she takes two hours to get ready (regardless of how gorgeous she looks in the end) grate on your last nerve. You no longer cuddle up to him when you get cold at night; you take the blanket and wrap yourself into a burrito, leaving him out in the cold.

You go from having sex 5 times a day to 5 times quarterly.

For. Shame.

So she once gave you butterflies. Did that make her the one? His smile once made you feel like you were floating on cloud 9. Did that put him on top of the dating pyramid? Yes and yes. But eventually the butterflies may go away and there are no guarantees the relationship (or she) will nurture those butterflies; there are no guarantees that the relationship (or he) will sustain that smile; there are no guarantees in life and with time, even being "comfortable" with your other half brings about questions of passion-evanescing and loss-of-interest.

(Pessimistic? Not really. Just a healthy dose of realism.)

So what's the deal? Will we ever know when he or she is the one? And once we do find this person, how do we keep the fire aflame? How can we keep the *not so great* kind of comfortableness from eclipsing our passion for one another? If the relationship ever gets to that point, will it be a lost cause by then?

Does a *lost cause* lay dormant in all of our relationships, ready to be triggered by the smallest of arguments? Absence of sweet gestures? Unsaid words or wordstoomany?

Or are some relationships just doomed from the beginning while others blossom into beautiful flowers, maintained by a good foundation of love and watered by Lady Luck?

Back to the one. Do we just feel it the minute we see them? Love, or Lust at first sight? Or is it something we come to feel as time wears on? I've never felt "Oh he's the one" upon first meeting someone; you just don't know these things and I, personally, wouldn't want to set myself up for disappointment. Sure if you end up marrying the person and live happily ever after I can see how you'd tie the "I knew it from the moment I met him" feeling to the end result. However, you just can't tell from the beginning if that person was meant for you and only you (but of course when we're with someone new and things are still so very fresh and exciting, we'd like to think he/she is our forever).

I'd be in denial to think a person is meant for me and only me. I was happy with a few of my exes and I'm sure their current girlfriends are happy with them now. I don't know if it's the old age talking about I don't *really* believe in the concept of soulmates anymore. Perhaps one day when I'm old and gray, sitting on the porch of my beach house with my beautiful husband of 40 years -- will I believe. I will have to see it and live it to believe it. But for now, everyone (who is single) is up for grabs and I can see this forever in many of them. (Not that I'd ever actively look; that's just not my style.)

Now if only Father time would work with me...

A lot of us cry over men or women we couldn't have, saying, "Oh I will never find another person like him!" or "She was the one that got away!" -- but you know what? We sulk over a lost love thinking we'll never feel that way again but we do. Sure we may not feel the same chemistry, or feel those butterflies fluttering in our stomachs but we will find those feelings again. Different chemicals react differently to each other, you know that. Who cares if it's not the same; it's not supposed to be the same. This new person may not be *perfect* the way you'd idealized your ex to be but that perfection had an expiration date set for when you two broke up. As soon as you broke up, that perfection flew out the window. It's time to renew this lease on perfection and give your new love interest a chance. Let them redefine this ideal of perfection; don't do it yourself expecting them to fit in the mold.

I feel there are so many right guys or girls out there for every one of us; there's no point in crying over spilt milk. Clean it up and pour yourself another glass. It really does do your body [and heart] good.

To mend the remnants of my broken heart...

2005-08-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

Everyone who enters my life leaves a mark in some shape or form. There are those I've met who came and went and others who've decided to stay a while. Some of you have moved my soul and made my heart flutter and prance while others have bestowed the precious gift of knowledge, wisdom and truth. And there were some who, remarkably, did both.

However, even with the good I can't discount the times (few in number but great in consequence) I was left scathed and numb, harping in vain and wallowing in self-pity laced with bitter regret. Life has a way of neatly balancing out that way.

Contrasts

I know now that as painful as moving on may have seemed at one point, the darkness only serves to contrast with the pale brightness that colors our happiness and shouldn't mean much more than that. We need this darkness to help us better appreciate the light; our love of self will set fire to flames, shedding light to all the darkened corners of our once fiery heart and mend it with the only kind of love it truly deserves -- our own. Don't worry; hurting and yearning for someone will get easier everyday because even though we are furthering ourselves [in memory] of the last time we felt the bliss brought forth by his passionate kiss and shivers sent down your spine by her gentle touch, achingly missing what we now can't have, we are also one step closer to recovery...

...to forgiving ourselves for denying our heart the care it deserves...

...to realizing we won't never make mistakes again...

...to forgetting their face and phone number but never the feelings associated with this person, for we're only human and are allowed to make allowances for treasured moments such as this...

...and to rediscovering our worth, understanding that none of our failed relationships can set a price on us.

(Whew. Does this entry read like a self-help book or what?)

I don't deny I have weaknesses; I accept them. I don't doubt I hurt just like everyone else; I embrace these moments. I don't doubt I'll hurt again; I'd be foolish to argue I know better because I don't and neither do you. I can't guarantee myself a lifetime of happiness and tear-free relationships but I can guarantee I will be strong enough to handle these situations accordingly. Besides, life wouldn't be if there were so many guarantees; it throws us many curveballs and sometimes we hit, sometimes we miss. But for everytime my heart lurches because I miss, I will be celebrating the hit with so much more exuberance. And in the end, it'll be the hits I remember -- not the misses.

For the LD'ers out there...

pk: that's the tricky thing with LD (long distance relationships)
pk: because... it's not very forgiving
pk: you have limited time to interact
me: yes
pk: so everything counts, everything is magnified
me: thats why its not fair
pk: and analyzed
pk: very hard to correct

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back."
-Unknown

The story of my life.

Get Over the Hump

2005-08-27T22:45:00.000-07:00

The Upside of Break-ups

I've come to realize it gets easier for me to get over a "break up" as the years go by; I'm no longer the overly idealistic, wide-eyed, naive gal who believes and hopes everything will work out in the name of love. Being realistic truly helps one recuperate faster.

A lot of times, couples break up because the relationship veers off the blissfully-in-love trail and somehow ends up on the beaten, unpaved path. Then you have couples who break up because the individuals in the relationship have changed. Actually, I think these "changed" individuals inadvertently steer the relationship down that beaten, unpaved path.

Unless you meet and marry someone at the age of 50, it must be noted that we in our 20's and 30's are still in the process of growing into the person we were meant to become. If that's the case, it must further be noted there's a chance the two individuals (or three, or four -- it's your prerogative) in the relationship may not be in the same place at the right time to grow individually, together.

Although the idealistic side of me doesn't think this kind of "change" warrants a breakup, the realistic side of me believes if two people aren't on the same wavelength after they each "evolve" into the person they were meant to be, there's no need in forcing square pegs into a round hole. That relationship was meant to take that course.

(Of course the chance that two people can take different paths but still end up at the same destination can't be discounted.)

Break-ups better prepare us for the next step; they mold us, guide us, help us grow into the person we are truly meant to be for the person who's a better fit for us: this brings us to finding our other 1/2. Bad break-up, horrible break-up, traumatizing break-up, heartbreaking break-up -- whatever. In the end, one day, I'll be rewarded with someone who was worth all the heartache and drama.

I refuse to be disenchanted by skepticism towards the notion of the One because my belief in the One represents the last drop of idealism I choose to hold in this vessel that is my heart.

I just have to remember to keep my eye on the prize.

Back from Hiatus

2005-02-09T10:57:00.000-08:00

Erm.... caught a lot of sickness. What happen to my metabolism? =.+...

I have around 6 blogs currently. Not all of them running well. Decided to close down 1 and take care of the other 5. Are those too much? Well, not for me, tho. Those 5 blogs have their own role to play.

Anyway, uni will start on early March.

... and I'm missing him...

Sometimes it's miserable to have this kind of feeling...

Ah. Damn!

Lurve...

2004-11-24T11:55:00.000-08:00

Aw... I saw him! Saw him clearly!... and my knight insisted to take me home, rather than leave me stranded with somebody else.

Ooohh... I was so amazed and felt like a really important person, and he didn't even forget his promise to bring me something. I really appreciate what he did.

I think I'm gonna fall all over again...

Sagacious

2004-11-22T00:54:00.000-08:00

It's not really sagacious to like a 32-years old guy for me.

But he's so attractive!

His Grandma

2004-11-19T00:38:00.000-08:00

My friend did a really terrible thing last nite. He yelled to his own grand mother and made her cry. Maybe he was annoyed because of her, but not that I want to blame the grandma, but when I knew that she was carying it really breaks my heart. I know his grandma as a tough woman, and as a woman, she did cry after all when her feeling got hurt.

Women are the same everywhere. They are fragile yet resilient.

Ask for things

2004-11-17T09:07:00.000-08:00

I love this olive oil butter *ehm, don't mind me...*, just trying to fresher my skin here.

Anyway, why is it hard for me to ask my parents about what I want? Everytime I want to ask them I start fo feel like having a lump in my throat. I don't wanna give them any burden by asking them about things that I want and I don't know why. I don't think the reason is because I love them dearly. I guess... I feel guilty if I ask them.

It even works for simple thing such as clothes. My volume of shopping decreases when I went with my mum and dad. If they asked me about things that I want, I simply replied them that I didn't want anything. It's utterly different case if I was with my friends or alone. Isn't it a bit ironic? I'm still yet to build up my confidence in shopping with my parents.

2 Roads

2004-11-15T08:54:00.000-08:00

2 roads mean 2 choices. 2 different sides of a coin and 2 different chances. Black or white. Love or hate.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less travelled by, and that made all the difference" - R.F.

I miss him.

Acetylseryltyrosylserylisol...serine

2004-11-12T01:49:00.000-08:00

This 1185-letter "word" is the chemical name for "Coat Protein, Tobacco Mosaic Virus, Dahlemense Stain". It is supposedly the longest word in the English language.

The term was published in the American Chemical Society's Chemical Abstracts in 1972, and is considered by some to be the longest real word. It does hold the record for the longest word in an English language publication in a serious context, that is, for some reason other than to publish a very long word.

In its complete form, the 1185-letter word is:

acetylseryltyrosylserylisoleucyl-
threonylserylprolylserylglutaminyl-
phenylalanylvalylphenylalanylleucyl-
serylserylvalyltryptophylalanyl-
aspartylprolylisoleucylglutamylleucyl-
leucylasparaginylvalylcysteinyl-
threonylserylserylleucylglycyl-
asparaginylglutaminylphenylalanyl-
glutaminylthreonylglutaminylglutaminyl-
alanylarginylthreonylthreonyl-
glutaminylvalylglutaminylglutaminyl-
phenylalanylserylglutaminylvalyl-
tryptophyllysylprolylphenylalanyl-
prolylglutaminylserylthreonylvalyl-
arginylphenylalanylprolylglycylaspartyl-
valyltyrosyllysylvalyltyrosyl-
arginyltyrosylasparaginylalanylvalyl-
leucylaspartylprolylleucylisoleucyl-
threonylalanylleucylleucylglycyl-
threonylphenylalanylaspartylthreonyl-
arginylasparaginylarginylisoleucyl-
isoleucylglutamylvalylglutamyl-
asparaginylglutaminylglutaminylseryl-
prolylthreonylthreonylalanylglutamyl-
threonylleucylaspartylalanylthreonyl-
arginylarginylvalylaspartylaspartyl-
alanylthreonylvalylalanylisoleucyl-
arginylserylalanylasparaginylisoleucyl-
asparaginylleucylvalylasparaginyl-
glutamylleucylvalylarginylglycyl-
threonylglycylleucyltyrosylasparaginyl-
glutaminylasparaginylthreonyl-
phenylalanylglutamylserylmethionyl-
serylglycylleucylvalyltryptophyl-
threonylserylalanylprolylalanylserine

The letter combination yl appears in the word 166 times.

Winning

2004-11-10T23:58:00.000-08:00

Winning is an event, being a winner is a spirit. If winning is the only objective, a person may miss out on the internal rewards that come with winning. More important than winning is winning with honour and deserving to have won. It is better to lose honorably than to succeed with dishonesty. Losing honorably may signify lack of preparation, but dishonest winning signifies lack of character.

As Mark Twain said, it is better to deserve an honour and not have it than to have it and not deserve it, because dignity is not in possessing, but deserving.

Winners live and work every day as if it were the last day, because one of these days it is going to be the last and we don't know which one it is going to be. When they leave, they leave as winners.

There are some defeats more triumphant than victories -- Michel De Montaigne

Living Life to the Fullest

2004-11-04T02:24:00.000-08:00

I'd like to point out that "Living my life to the fullest" doesn't mean that you can abbandon your responsibilities. I'd love to trade all the time I have used in school to do something else that I like. But let's look at "Living my life to the fullest" on a different perspective, shall we?

Well, Firstly, "Living my life to the fullest" doesn't always mean 'Ditch your work, and let loose'. It literally means go as far as your potential will allow you. That means the dreaded "S---- H---" word *incase if you don't know what it was... it's "Study Hard." Because by doing so, we can contribute our life to the good of others.

And finally, by "living your life to the fullest" you will always face your worst fear, but that's where bravery comes in. It's when you will challenge your worst fear, and actually win over them, and by doing so, not only that you're liberating yourself, but also those people that can't gather enough strenght to go against it. Simply put, by "living your life the the fullest" you have choose the path of protecting the weak :P.

Trust

2004-11-01T21:59:00.000-08:00

I used to trust others easily, but not anymore. Through recent happenings in my life, I've learned that we can't have trust without integrity, that crisis in trust really means crisis in truth, and that the people you think you can really trust are those that would most probably let you down.

Love all, trust a few. The only one you should always trust is your heart. Trust yourself, but trust your heart more, because the mind lies, but the heart never will.

Trip Down Memory Lane

2004-10-26T02:13:00.000-07:00

Time goes by.
People come and go.
The world turns.
The seasons change.

But there are those moments...
those unforgettable moments...
moments as irrational and surreal as a dream...
that you would always treasure...
yesterday, today, tomorrow, always.

Because what's in your head escapes, but what's in your heart stays forever.

Les details se fanent, mais la memoire existe toujours.

Once upon a time...
*smiles*

Reason to Call

2004-10-25T07:14:00.000-07:00

Is calling someone need any specific reason? I've been struggling with myself until my head and my heart bejeweled with confusion in calling this person.

Head: Just call.
Heart: Wait.
Head: Call and talk.
Heart: .... (silent)

In the end 'heart' turns out to be the winner.

Love at 1st Sight

2004-10-24T05:47:00.000-07:00

They're both convinced, that a sudden passion joined them.
Such certainty is beautiful, but uncertainty is more beautiful still.
Since they'd never met before,
they're sure that there'd been nothing between them.
But what's the world from the streets, staircases, hallways --
perhaps they've passed each other a million times?

Every beginning is only a sequel, after all, and the book of events is always open halfway through.

Life is full of surprises; even two parallel lines may one day meet.
What's meant to be will always find a way.

Everyone is Beautiful

2004-10-19T09:19:00.000-07:00

I found the following on the Internet somewhere, can't remember the URL. Read it through, it's so true and so beautiful. A definite self-confidence booster.

I wish inner beauty left a mark on a person's outer appearance. I wish you could look at someone and see their heart in their eyes. Life would be so much fairer. But things aren't that simple and all we have is someone's outer appearance. What you can do, what you should learn to do, is give people a chance. Get to know them before you judge them. Outer beauty fades with time, but a good heart perseveres forever. Fifty years from now, when you're old and gray and wrinkly, what are you going to do with someone who was once beautiful but lacked a good heart and mind? Your soul can't connect to perfect hair or perfect teeth or perfect breasts. It connects to another soul, it yearns for a heart and mind and spirit that will embrace it for what it is. You are not your hair or your fingernails or your feet. You are the way you live your life, the way you look at the world around you and the people in it, and most importantly, you are the way you love. So love well. One day someone beautiful and intelligent will see what's in your eyes and love you for it. That's the only kind of love that means anything.

There are plenty of people who love you the way you are and are willing to except you whether you're drop-dead gorgeous or not, you just have to find them, be outgoing, have fun with life and try not to worry about others opinions of you so much, in the long run, it's not going to matter. Be who you are and say what you feel because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

I have to admit that sometimes I wish I was prettier. Don't get me wrong, I love myself the way I am, I really do. But still, there are times in my life that I'm prolly a bit [over] self-conscious. Sometimes I do feel content with what I have, but sometimes, I wish I had more. I know this is not good, and geez what an ungrateful person I am, but the truth is, as much as I love my life and everything in it, and as much as I feel so grateful for everything that I've got so far, deep inside I can't deny the fact that I wish I wasn't just "average-looking". Sometimes I hate looking at pretty girls (believe me, there are LOTS of them here) cause they make me feel so ugly and understated.

Anyhow, after some time I realized that beauty is only skin deep. Outer appearance, just like money, can't buy and doesn't guarantee happiness. In the long run, how you live your life and how you treat other people will determine what kind of person you are.

Outer beauty fades with time, but a good heart perseveres forever.

I know I may not be drop-dead gorgeous, and I may not have the best body around, but at least I have lots of people who love me and who care about me no matter what. I suppose that's one thing that matters after all :)

You ARE beautiful. Trust me, EVERYONE is beautiful in his/her own way. Besides, beauty is in the eye of the beholder :)

God's Fingerprints

2004-10-10T22:05:00.000-07:00

Everything that God has created is potentially holy. Our task as humans is to find that holiness in what appear to be unholy situations. When we can learn to do this, we will have learned to nurture our souls. It's easy to see God's beauty in a beautiful sunrise, a snow-capped mountains, the smile of a healthy child, or in ocean waves crashing on a sandy beach. But can we learn to find the holiness in seemingly ugly circumstances -- difficult life lessons, family tragedy, or a struggle for life?

When our life is filled with the desire to see the holiness in everyday things, something magical begins to happen. A feeling of peace emerges. We begin to see nurturing aspects of daily living that were previously hidden to us. When we remember that everything has God's fingerprints on it, that alone makes it special. If we remember this spiritual fact while we are dealing with a difficult person or struggling to achieve our goals, it broadens our perspective. It helps us to remember that God also created the person you are dealing with or that, despite your sorrow and frustration, you are truly blessed to have all that you do.

Somewhere, in the back of your mind, try to remember that everything has God's fingerprints on it. Never forget that there's a purpose to life's events, to teach you how to laugh more or not to cry too hard. The fact that we can't see the beauty in something doesn't suggest that it's not there. Rather, it suggests that we are not looking carefully enough or with a broad enough perspective to see it.

Just remember that when you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy, cause God is thinking of something better to give you. God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. :)

Perfección Temeroso

2004-10-04T23:10:00.000-07:00

What are you supposed to do, when love is your greatest fear and you're in it.

What are you supposed to do, when you're living for someone else, when you're so wrapped up in an individual that you don't feel the need to try anymore and everything just falls into place.

What do you do when you find a person whose simple existence makes you feel so wonderful that you can think of nothing else.

When you've found something so strong that it changes you life, and you think you've found the one who makes you need nothing else. When he's all that you require to go on and you're scared so shitless.

When you're diving head first into a pool that's prone to be shallow, but the water you're emerged in makes you feel so good that even if you hit bottom, either sooner or later, you believe it will have all been worth it.

How do you explain how you know that everything's going to be okay, and everyone is doubting you. When you've found the ideal amount of faultless flaws that it redefines perfection in your eyes.

What is love anyway? What defines it? Is it the way he makes me tingle when I feel his warmth? Or is it the way he looks at me? His eyes; so sparkling, so kind. Maybe it's the way we can talk for hours about nothing at all. The way he touches my face when he kisses me, how we can argue about anything and it somehow brings us closer together.

Love isn't the way I can tell him anything, nor is it the way I dream of him every night. It's not how holding his hand is holding his heart, or the way his arms are home to me. Love is not how he makes me feel; how I'm the only girl in the world with him. Love is none of these things, love is the reason for them. The greatest thing of all, is how love just is.

I am not going to tell you that I am what you need, and I will not explain to you how I think I can make you happy, nor will I enlighten you to the way I feel for you. You are the only real fantasy that I have ever lived, and somehow I know, in some way, something tells me that I will show you with time.

Dedicated to my future.

Love/Loss/Gain

2004-10-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

It is only better to have loved and lost, if you gain more from love than is gone when it's lost.

I gained from love more than I knew. I gained myself. You showed me who I was, a me that loved you. A memory of my brightest smile, my sweetest innocence.

I lost so much in losing love. I lost a knowledge of who I was. I lost my brightest smile, my sweetest innocence. But never will I lose the memory.

So all the while I'm missing you, trying to find myself again, it all adds up. And it was all worth it because I'll always remember how it felt to be us.

Dedicated to my past.

Just So You Know...

2004-09-28T19:36:00.000-07:00

It seems that I've woven a big enough quilt already; enough to cover the coldness from ever drafting to my feet. Enough to shelter the inside, to put my nerves at ease. The spindle ran out of thread, because I've used all so much; each string of words had been stitched up. My rhymes had been skinned dry, the needles had been put away; no longer able to prick my fingertips.

All that should be written had been, and all that had been hoped was wished. As I envelope myself with this new cover, I feel that I'm contented, nothing left to do than just reminisce on those lovely days of my fantasy. But frays get loose; they begin to pry away and dwindle.

I've come to see, that even lint has its sharp edges. Deep inside, there's still something not knotted, innocent little entrances that can't be sewed away. I also hate to admit, of a little teaspoon of hope that I am allowing to seep through. So here I am, on my warm quilt veiling all over my once weak spots.

... and here I thought I was over you.

I'm looking for a way to feel you hold me, to feel your heart beat just one more time. I'm reaching back, trying to touch the moment, each precious minute that you were mine. How do you prepare, when you love someone this way, to let them go a little more each day?

Some days missing you is overwhelming, when it hits me you're not coming back. And in my darkest hours, I have wondered, was it worth it for the time we had? My thoughts get kinda scattered, but one thing I know is true, I bless the day that I found you.

The stars we put in place, the dreams we didn't waste, the sorrows we embraced, the world belonged to you and me. The rules we stepped aside, the fear that we defied, the thrill of the ride, the fire in our hearts that burned. The oceans that we crossed, the innocence we've lost, the hurting at the end; I'll go there again, cause it was beautiful.

So beautiful...

It is always surprising how small a part of life is taken up by meaningful moments. Most often they're over before they start, even though they cast a light on the future and make the person who originated them unforgettable.

Just like a work of art, my love will last until forever.

Hey love, when I look at the great big sky, I wonder, are you looking at the same sky, too? I wanna hug you, kiss you, hold you in my arms, but then you're so far away. Sometimes it makes me smile, just thinking about you. But most of the times, I wish I was there, smiling with you. Perhaps one day our dreams will come true. Perhaps one day we'll wake up to the morning sun and listen to the rain. Both of us.

One day, forever.

If the words don't come my way, I hope you still know what my heart wants to say...

~FIN~

*a thought of once upon a time, in my own sacred feeling...*

yay

2004-09-26T03:49:00.000-07:00

Oh wow *amazed*.

He told me a lot about himself. His relationship with his parents, bro and sis and also his love life.

So proud eh?

Well... just happy that he can put his trust on me.

Ideals

2004-09-23T02:02:00.000-07:00

Happiness

2004-09-19T17:14:00.000-07:00

You know, I think happiness is only possible when you have hard times and have realized what you've lost and what you are going to treasure next time. Happiness, like love, isn't something you have a definition or answer for, and it is different for each person. It isn't something you can define or answer. It is something we can never measure. We will never know exactly what happiness is, nor when to stop asking what it is and start appreciating it as a dream. A dream like in stories with people who live happily ever after. Happiness is a dream that each of us is trying to reach, trying to find, trying to call our own. I think that none of us will truly and deeply appreciate anything until the second before we die. At that point, we would know that we had done all that we could, tried all that we had wanted, and ended up with what we had become.

For some people, happiness is finding that perfect other half. For some people it is becoming very rich. And so on. On the other hand, I think that every person's happiness changes as he enters different steps in his life. I remember that when I was young, being able to eat candies made me happy. I remember that when I was in elementary school, being liked by other boys made me happy. I remember that when I was in middle school, being able to find some true and real friends made me happy. I remember when I first came here, realizing and learning about life and being alone made me happy. Now, I am happy because I had a chance to know someone, to love him, and to experience the true meaning of love, even for just a short moment. I have loving parents. I have dear, close friends. I have a wonderful life filled with love.

Who knows what happiness will come next year? And the year after that? I think that what happiness is, and what it means don't really matter. And it shouldn't matter, since it's not always the same. I think that the most important thing to do is to hold on to what you have at present and cherish your happiness now, at that moment. In conclusion, happiness is not absolute, so always cherish what you have, even if it may change. Happiness is being able to look back and not regret, knowing that you didn't miss anything and that you got the best out of it.

Memories.

Fate

2004-09-17T02:00:00.000-07:00

Do you believe in fate?

Well, fate exists, but it can only take you so far. Because once you're there, it's up to you to make it happen.

The secret of our being is not only to live but to have something to live for.

Being Yourself

2004-09-14T17:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's true that people lie to earn others' love, trust, and affection. But I believe no man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true. It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not. Let the world know you as you are, not as you or others think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?

Love Love Love

2004-09-11T08:24:00.000-07:00

When you love someone, you'll do crazy things you can't explain, you'll deny the truth and believe in lies.

Lucky is the man who wins the first love of a woman but luckier is the woman who wins the last love of a man.

Love is not for beauty or color of the skin, but for a heart that is loyal within, for beauty fades and the skin would grow old but a heart that is loyal will never turn cold.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

Don't run ahead of God. Let Him direct your steps. He has plans and He has His time. God's clock is never one minute early nor one minute late. It always strikes right on time.

If someone loves you, love them back not only because they love you, but also because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you have never seen or felt without them.

The past is meant to be used as a tool for the future. Bad experiences indeed make you bitter but the lessons learned should make you better.

Let go of the hand of the person you love, but don't let go of God's hand. For when you hold on to His hand, He may be holding the person you love on the other hand, to let you hold each other again.

Why do people say loving too much makes you stupid? It's because you'll always be wrong even if you're right. You're weak even if you're strong. You give without receiving. You cry, get pains but still say you're happy.

How would you know if you've fallen in love real hard? It's when someone hurts you and you love him still. Then he hurts you again to find out that you love him even more.

We can never understand joy till we feel sorrow, faith till we're tested, peace till we're faced with conflicts, trust till we're betrayed, and love till it's gone.

There are some who catch our sight and only few who touch our hearts. Look into your heart and pursue the person you love for it's better to risk than just let love pass you by.

Love is not a matter of finding the right person but rather creating the right relationship. The important question is not how much love there is at the beginning but how much there is at the end.

When you find arms that will hold you at your weakest, eyes that will see you at your ugliest, lips that will kiss you in both instances, and a heart that will love you at your worst, then you have found true love.

Great expectations

2004-09-08T01:47:00.000-07:00

I've learned that expectations and happiness are sort of inextricably linked. Sometimes high expectations only bring disappointment, if not outright unhappiness.

Enjoy life as it is, hope for the best but always prepare for the worst, and never take anything for granted.

Something Called Love

2004-09-05T17:37:00.000-07:00

Love is like heaven, but it can also hurt like hell. Even so, you have to agree that falling and being in love make us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It's never easy for me to fall in love with someone, but I'm also not the kind of woman who falls out of love easily cause I've always believed that if the love you think you felt goes away quickly, then what you felt was never love to begin with. True love never dies for it is lust that fades away. Love bonds for a lifetime but lust just pushes away.

Finding someone who loves you is hard enough. Finding someone whom you really love is harder. But finding someone who loves you as much as you love him is the hardest. In life we seldom find true love and if ever you find it, hold on to it and never let it go, for life is only worth living once you've found someone worth dying for.

I don't fall in love easily, true, but I do look forward to finding "him" -- the last person that I'll ever fall in love with, but yet someone that I'll fall in love with every morning when I wake up beside him and watch the sun rise on his face; everytime I see his smile that warms my heart; and everytime I look into his eyes that reflect all the wishes in my heart, all the dreams I've ever had, and all the things I've always hoped for.

Friendster

2004-09-04T08:38:00.000-07:00

My friendster account almost exceed 500 and I just don't want to make a second account. It feels un-natural.

I met a lot of my primary, junior hi and senior hi skool friend in friendster. It seems all the girls are getting feminine and the boys do change a lot. When I look at myself, I started to wonder how much changing that I have and realise that I didn't really change much.

Wonder why.

The universe is one great kindergarten for man. Everything that exists has brought with it its own peculiar lesson. The mountain teaches stability and grandeur; the ocean immensity and change. Forests, lakes, and rivers, clouds and winds, stars and flowers, stupendous glaciers and crystal snowflakes--every form of animate or inanimate existence, leaves its impress upon the soul of man.

--Orison Swett Marden

Found a nice quote before I took my novel and read it on me bed.

Carpe Diem situation

2004-09-02T00:54:00.000-07:00

I hope I have myself a carpe diem situation right now where I can laid back and enjoy myself. Have as much refreshment as I could get. Argh!...

I didn't talk much with him these days and all of a sudden I started to miss him in the way that you do when you've seen or talked with someone frequently and regularly buy haven't really connected with him in any significant way. I wanna share my story even only through MSN -_-".

But, as usual, I'd been too frazzled and hectic because of projects that I gotta do.

Be Glad

2004-08-31T11:31:00.000-07:00

The sudden precious moments in life need to be recognized for the unique periods they are, not wasted by wishing for something else.

Should try to give thanks more for what I already have in this world. Family, friends, education, brain, money and everything. But still, I got unlimited wish of things that I wanna buy. Oh, when will money falling down from the sky?

Pink is IN!

2004-08-29T23:22:00.000-07:00

The color of 2004 = pink.

Pink is in.

If modern woman can wear tuxedo, boots and still be feminine, then why can't a man wear pink and still be masculine?

Quoted from a friend of mine, Inex, which she got from her class mate's tutorial presentation... whatever...

Lot of man wearing pink nowadays. So trendy, hey?

I wonder why people stereotyped the pink color with woman and the blue color with man. It's just so un-natural. If a man wears pink, then people will say that he's gay-ish.

Now, men's wardrobe aren't complete with touches of pink. Here's a 'cute' article about Man and The Return of Pink

Gossip

2004-08-29T06:58:00.000-07:00

I heard a lot of people are gossiping me with my friend lately. Not sure about the reason why coz Im not really close with the person -_-".

One thing that I'm afraid of is that the gossip will affect my relationship with my friend. Hopefully not *finger crossed*.

Dog Food

2004-08-26T12:19:00.000-07:00

I just went back from my friend's birthday. My couple of friends arrange to buy a cake for him. I went with them two to the nearest shop and bought a Sara Lee's Instant Cake, the Bavarian Chocolate *yum* which was quite nice.

After that, one of my friend saw some can of dog and cat foods. He thought of something nasty. To cook the food and give it to the birthday boy.

We bought a can of dog food and what I did was cook it and put an egg over it. It smells nice and kinda savoury... ^__^v eventhough I won't touch and eat it. Ever! I offered some people to eat and they said it needs more salt, because it was tasteless.

In the end I put some soy sauce and chicken salt over it and gave it to the birthday boy. He seemed okay with the food. We tell no one about the dog food and I think we'll bring the secret to our grave -_-".

I'm Trying

2004-08-25T19:18:00.000-07:00

I'm still trying to make myself anonymous, which I think no longer possible if my friend really can prove that this journal belong to 'me'. Ahhhhh.... after 2 months of anonymousity... Only some people in RBJ who knows the real me and my beau friend, Nevri. Please don't blabber it guys ;)...

I love me being a mystery -_-" *hahaha* a pretty sceptical statement?. Anyway, I still got myself this misty eyed, wonder if I didn't get enough sleep these days. I gotta oversee myself and my body clock :S.

Insensitivity Sensors

2004-08-24T02:40:00.000-07:00

I do listen to rap, hip hop, r & b, emo, classic and other kind of music and I did some little research to find out what kind of genre in music that I love most. It is the romantic genre. Maybe 'cause I'm a sensitive person? ;P

I can't consider myself being such a sensitive person 'cause many times my sensitivity sensors are depending on my mood. Not that I am a moody person, but the mood just control my sensitivity sensors. For example, I ~~hate~~ don't really respect people that being slow when I explained something to them. Part of my sensitive brain said that I'll give them some chances again, but some part in my insensitive brain said that it's just too much for me to repeat myself all over again.

Well, people can learn. So let them learn... gosh...

Cooker...

2004-08-22T19:37:00.000-07:00

Hey, Dear You...

I can be someone who cook for you.. *hahaha*, thanks a lot for the email. Really brighten up my day.

I kinda hate my work nowadays. Being a journalist is not as easy as I thought it could be. There are times when I got stuck and don't know what to do.

Rain

2004-08-22T09:50:00.000-07:00

Suddenly I got cold. Out of nowhere. Hopefully I'll get better soon. Maybe this is because I talked with some people in the middle of the rain.

I love rain *when I'm inside a building/shelter*. It can washed away bad feeling. Rain acts like a cure at the time when I'm feeling sad and can't let my feeling out. Rain is like my own tear. Falling from heaven above. Falling hard and hit the ground...

Green Tea

2004-08-19T11:19:00.000-07:00

Someone bought me a drink last nite. That was so sweet of him for walking in the middle of the night, looking for an open store ;). Thanks a lot.

Somehow, simple things that people did to me seem wonderful. I don't know why, those simple things can make me smile and think about my friends. Sometimes I wonder if the world is only filled with love. Wouldn't it be nice?

Music = part of Life

2004-08-18T22:33:00.000-07:00

For me, music = part of life. Just can't be separated. Everything will be nice with some music on the background.

I learned organ since I was a little kid. It's the first time I know how to 'play' music. Thanx for my mum that forced me to do the organ practice and training. I love to play guitar now. Music just being part of me and I love how music influenced me. Without music, there's no 'me' right now.

Chick Lit Books

2004-08-18T05:57:00.000-07:00

I LOVE BOOKS! All kind of books. Biographies, fiction, non fiction, comics, magazines, literature, but the best for spending the free hour or for refreshing is chick lit. Simply chick lit. It's not too heavy and easy to read. Eventho too much of chick lit will make me run to detective books.

I'm reading the Devil Wears Prada right now with a great stack of novel that I bought and haven't been read near me >_<"...

Walla.com

2004-08-16T22:39:00.000-07:00

Walla.com is quite interesting. I love it. The service also offers 1 gig of space like gmail.com.

The difference is in the rich text format because gmail doesn't have it yet or maybe they won't ever have it? ;P

Walla.com is like Incredimail.com put in a website. It has the same smileys with incredimail and it also has some templates put in it.

The difficulty is when you send email with walla.com or gmail.com, thing that will happen most prolly is that the email will get thrown into the junk mail folder. Like it or not. The template itself will shown in yahoo and hotmail.

But for sanriotown.com or mail.com and other minor email services, the templates most prolly gonna change into some stoopid codec and codes. Numbers and letters everywhere and you just lose your message in the email.

*based on true survey and story that I just researched and experienced*

Kinda Attracted

2004-08-16T00:04:00.000-07:00

Dear, you, whom I kinda attracted to... :)

Is it possible for me to know you more?

Yesterday I got clashed with a friend of mine. Not a close friend. She asked me to help her with her things. Then I arrange and helped her out, but in the end she didn't even appreciate what I did for her. She get angry and said that I don't need to help her out anymore.

I said, "Ok then".

I hope that things will turn out better than before...

*sigh* I just hate it when something like this happened :(.

Event Organizer

2004-08-14T09:52:00.000-07:00

I want to work in the EO area or the public relation area. The future is just complicated as love problem. That's exactly what I feel when I think about it right now. I don't have any idea how my future will be like. Which job field will I go to or will I study again after I finished my bachelorette degree.

Being someone success in his/her career is in everbody's dream. Not only in the career area, but also love realm.

Here I am, talking about love again *hahhaha*. It seems like love is the most eligible thing to talk about -_-". I love to think, but I'm not really a thinker, eventho sometimes I lost in my own thoughts.

I miss people, but I don't know who are those people whom I miss. *just having this missing-someone feeling*. Are u missing me too?

Envy

2004-08-12T10:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's just so hard not to envy someone. All human being are being imperfect person. I believe it for sure. I really envy someone that close to me. She can get everything she want easily [compare to me]. I know, all I need to do is give thanx...

The Mac OS X

2004-08-12T01:41:00.000-07:00

I love this Mac OS X!!! Hahaha, really, I use mac computer rarely, eventhough i love 'em. I just finished email some friends.

Tonite will be a hard work nite again after all things happened yesterday. Anyway, I slept in the lecture today and really, sleep is good.

... males beresin rumah ...

Private Identity

2004-08-10T20:38:00.000-07:00

No one knows who I am, well... some people sure know who the real Phoenix is, but not so many people know it. Why I din tell people bout it? 'Coz I just feel safer this way. Being private, being locked up in my own sphere. It's a nice feeling to have my privacy back *hahaha*.

I love being like this. Only God knows what have been going on inside my heart lately.

I miss him and think about him these days around. I thought I already got over him, then suddenly a thought about him came and other thoughts were just followed.

Great and miserable feeling!

Blur

2004-08-09T07:43:00.000-07:00

I don't really know my own feeling right now and it's kinda blur for me. I'm suppose to know about my own feeling, but it's really... just blur.

Sophie's World

2004-08-09T00:43:00.000-07:00

Empedocles believed that there were two different forces at work in nature. He called them love and strife. Love binds things together, and strife separates them. -Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder.

I love to quote things from book, because I love the way the author writes or I just love the words.

Everytime I read a book, I'm thinking of bringing a paper with me, so whenever I read something that glimsy and caught my attention, I can just put in on the paper. But I don't think that act is possible enough for me, cause that will only disturb my attention to the story and make me bored to death.

Yeah, prolly I gotta just enjoy the reading >_<.

3 languages

2004-08-06T19:02:00.000-07:00

Mr. P can speaks 4 languages. English with the class of English Literature, Mandarin, French and Indonesia. *amazed* When I'm gonna be able to speak like him o_O?

Curious Incident...

2004-08-06T00:45:00.000-07:00

A great book about authistic kid I think. Anyway, am I missing him?

I chat with mr. M yesterday and right now my feeling is just blank. I can't say that I miss him tho. The good thing is I know that my addiction to the internet has gone. Prolly Daddy took it away. It's just gone.

Hopefully it doesn't come back soon.

And it's also great to know that I'm not addicted to him. Hahahaha ;)

The Day

2004-08-04T07:48:00.000-07:00

The time has come for him to say au revoir.

It's kinda funny for not feeling sad when he called me and said 'bye'.

Sure that I'm gonna miss him. Again, let God take over my life and not my will, but His that be done.

Mr. M... maybe one day I'll be able to say your name out loud. To write it freely in this blog. To tell the world about you. I'm waiting for that day to come.

Forcing Yeee... :P

2004-08-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

Nev keep asking me about the capital m and I'm not gonna let him know about it *grin*. I just love today. Yesterday I thought that today gonna be so boring and un-cool. What's uncool relationship with uni and stuffs anw -_-...

I'm in the computer lab right now. A brand new computer lab I think. Never been here before and I decided to write something in blog rather than have nothing to do.

I want to write for the international magazine so much, but I still haven't got any good idea about what I gotta write there.

My friend said that I can write almost everything in general... oh well, the question is what?

Simple R

2004-08-01T10:45:00.000-07:00

Someone told me that I have a secred admirer called R. Well, ain't I use a lot of initial around my blog? I love initial. It's simple and confusing :P. Who's R actually. I thought my friend just being silly about this admirer.

Talked with M. Now I kinda know more about him and his jealously attitude. He said that he's a protective and easily get jealous. I wonder... *hmm*...

I thought about E and M. They are two different people, but still.. when I look at E, my mind can wander off to M. Why is that?

Miss Him?

2004-08-01T06:11:00.000-07:00

Prolly... well gotta bear with my own feeling. Anyway, three days in a row I got myself reminded about the lost souls. I remember about this girl, MS. She's in 1st my cell group and we talk a lot before, but not anymore.

I miss her. The last time I saw her was in my church anniversary. She came up to me and asked for my phone number. Guess that was a sign from Daddy to get me for calling her... ;(, but I just didn't take it seriously.

... ough! I just...

I saw E in the church... and... I keep asking myself about my real feeling toward M. Is it only an exchange about my feeling toward E? How? .. and how come?

He Knew It!!

2004-07-28T10:21:00.000-07:00

Mr. M!!! Yeah, he got my bloggy address after he searched on my database... hahaha.. :D.. well, it's not like I don't want him to come, but I getting kinda shy when I knew he read it. Gosh...!...

He searched for my blog addy in the database and I said to him that the blog title is something that's so me (gw banget.red). Then he found it. He told me to listen to the song that I put there and asked me if the song is the right song for the right blog or not.

...Get kinda surprised when I heard the 'Free' song O_o...

A Love Package

2004-07-26T19:59:00.000-07:00

Yay!! He got my package. I sent him a mobile phone chain. I mean 'gantungan handphone' ^_^. And then I also sent him a VCD that he wanna see.

When I was at school, my friend called me regarding a school timetable and subjects that she took. Just after I finished the call with my friend, M called. I was truly glad that he called. He said 'Thank you' as his first line. I was wondering about his thank you, because I didn't have any clue what was it for. Then I remember about the package that I sent to him. The cover of the package has winnie the pooh and friends picture, the size of the wrapper itself is about the A4 paper.

The post office staff asked me if I really wanna use the winnie the pooh wrapper because what I wanna send are just one mobile phone chain and one VCD. I said to him boldly, 'yes'. Then he ask me why didn't I choose something smaller. I said to him, '...because I love the winnie the pooh wrapper...'. And he smiled at me ;).

Old Love

2004-07-25T04:49:00.000-07:00

I saw him today in the church. Well, he's my old love. I knew him since the year 2000, when I went for the church's winter camp. I'm in the same group as him and start from that day forward, we became a good friend. We started to talk a lot after the church and talked to each other through the phone. E, is his name.

In the mid of the year 2001, I started to have this kind of butterfly and strange feeling when I met him. I thought that it was love. I started to act kinda strange to him. I'm not as open as usual. It seemed hard to get around him.

Winter camp 2001, we talked in the middle of the camp. Talked about my strange act... and his attitude that I felt has changed toward me. We talked and became a good friend again.

End of the year 2002, I went back to Indonesia for holiday, and he had to stay here. When I got back here, one of my trusted source and friend told me that E went out with a gal. I... surprised! Fortunately, I didn't get any heart attack for hearing the news.

And today,... I saw him, but we didn't say anything. After that incident, there's no phone call from him, no hello, no playing the snake games using blue tooth, no playing guitar through the phone, our relationship just end. Left no trace.

I kinda miss him after I saw him tho.

Valentine

2004-07-22T23:49:00.000-07:00

all of my life
i have been waiting for
all you give to me
you've opened my eyes
and shown me how to love unselfishly

He has opened my eyes widely. He is the one who gives me contact with reality when I'm flying because of his gentleness. He brought me back to earth tenderly.

Yesterday he's just so different. Nicer?

;) hahaha... my friend being a silly match maker between me and her cousin. Anyway, i still believe in the old saying, "If it is already your MATE (predetermined by God) where can you go?"

Kalau memang jodoh, mau lari ke mana lagi? ahahahha... ;)..

2004-07-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

Long time I don't update this blog. I get kinda busy with stuffs. Meeting and all. Tomorrow I gotta go to uni to withdraw from a unit. That stoopid website didn't even send me the email which got the receipt that I need to withdraw online.

Phew.. gotta be ready for another semester!!!

A 'Friend'

2004-07-20T05:46:00.000-07:00

Today a friend came over to my house. I just finished cooking a pan of soup. I asked her if she wanna eat something. Then she took herself a plate and and fill the plate with the foods. After that she fill her plate again and again... Then, she came on to one of the computers in my house. Sat on the chair, turned the computer on and used it. Then she said to me to turn the music on. 'Oh, ok' I said.

I decided to watch the television. She came, then she sat next to me. She almost sat on my mobile phone!!.. After I watched what I wanna watch, then she just sat there. I asked her if she wanna watch the television and she said yeap.

Hard for me to tell the full story, anyway.. Wow... she's just so... snob! She acted like she's a 'queen'...

What will you do?

2004-07-18T19:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I told my close friends that I did something stoopid :), and one of them said, "At last! You both are getting together rite?". *Erm*, hahaha, not really, I said. I told her what happened and she just being quiet and listened to me.

Actually, it's kinda strange, cause I only felt sad about one hour then after that I stop all the crying and I just said to God, "Let Your will be done. Not mine.". I just put everything to His mighty hand. One of my friend said that if we are trully made for each other, we're gonna cross path again. I still can contact him when he's in Indonesia tho.

What would you do when something you believed in for so long isn't the truth at all? What would you do when something you put so much effort in goes straight down the drain? What would you do when you know that you fall over and over again only to get hurt over and over again? What would you do when you found out that things aren't what you thought or seem to be?? Tell me, what WILL you do??

I think I'm just gonna get up, learn to believe and try again :).

Told him

2004-07-17T10:45:00.000-07:00

I just told him about my feeling and he just denied it. Well, he said that there are more out there that are worthy, and he's just not worthy. I said to him, that maybe there are more people that more handsome, richer, more intelligent than him, but if I don't have the chemistry between me and others, those factors are also useless.

I felt disappointed in the middle of our talk, but in the end, we just talk like usual. That's good :) at least I know that for him this is just too quick...

God, let Your will be done...

Tell

2004-07-17T06:45:00.000-07:00

I'm Gonna TeLL hiM!!

Silly Guy, I L U

2004-07-16T01:44:00.000-07:00

Huh!... He said that he's gonna go back tomorrow, and when he called me in the afternoon, he said that was his last call on the afternoon. He started to speak so tender that my heart just melt by hearing him. And i just wandered 'wha??? he's gonna go back tomorrow?????'... In the end it turned out that he just being silly to me. He's gonna go back on the 1st of August :'(.. He's being so silly and soooooooo spoiled. Hey, I love him when he being so spoiled,,, *sumtimes*... don't do it a lot of times, k? I miss you again...

Anyway, yesterday we talked and then I said to him that I just gave everything up to God. This case has given to His' hands. Then he suddenly said, "Maybe he's not for you". I answered him calmyly, "I don't know about that, but I know that whatever happen, happen for a reason".

Di sendiriku, hati ini t'lah melukis cinta yang kuingini,... sesungguhnya aku kangen kamu..., kau slalu ada di langkahku...

M back for good

2004-07-14T12:02:00.000-07:00

M called me and told me this shocking news today and I didn't know what to say. I just stayed quiet until he told me to talk, but it's getting really hard to speak. Tears dropped from my eyes and he just knew it from my voice. He told me to get some tissues...

Please, I don't want to hear you say that you are going back for good. I cried and cried and cried when M told me he's going back for good because of his visa problem. Please, just yesterday I trully realise how much you really mean to me and now you tried to break my heart by telling me that shocking news. Why didn't you say it before? Why did you say it today. Why did you say it when my heart is getting closer to you. I know that you wanna cheer me up. You asked me if you have done something wrong to me and I said to you that your for good is the biggest mistake ever. It's the biggest wrongdoing ever for me.

I just hate to cry in front of you *again*. I wanna say that I need you here. You said that I can find another person like you, but I myself don't think I can find it. There's no other you in this world. There's no other that can make me feel like I feel when I was be with you. Guys come and go in my life, and I know it that there's no other you.

My friend said that I still can see you in Indonesia and you said that we can still chat through msn and send e-mail, but those are not the problem. You will be harder to contact and I'm gonna miss your voice so badly. I'm gonna miss you playing your guitar, singing some nice songs and I'm gonna miss the time when we play guitar together. I'm gonna miss the time when you annoyed me with your mobile phone handsfree headset.

Sama2 Suka

2004-07-13T10:53:00.000-07:00

We both know well that we love each other.. than why we still keep it inside until now? Yeah, the M ct guy gave me a nice gift. Thx for your gift today, it's not a cheap gift, i know, but your willingness to spend your money for it... :).. i really appreciate it. He works and save the money, but he is willing to spend it for such a stoopid thing :). Sometimes he can be a little forcing, sometimes he can be such a sweet person.

He's the person that I look when I had troubles, he is the one that I always call whenever something happened, good or bad. He's the one that I search when I was sad because of my close friends. With him I can tell all the things inside my heart. His words calm me in time of trouble. His advice help me a lot. He's not a kind of sweet talker, but he always try to act sweet... ahh.. I wonder, when are you gonna say those 3 words... i love you...

A Career Woman

2004-07-11T23:16:00.000-07:00

I wanna be a career woman, not just a woman who stay at home and do house work. Well, people got their own places, but when I mentioned it to 'M ct guy', he said that he just want his wife to stay at home. Take care of the children and maintain the house. Omegosh, not all women are good to be housewifes. Pls dude, wake up!!!!

I .. love him

2004-07-11T05:49:00.000-07:00

I talked a lot with him yesterday night. The funny thing is that he know he loves me and I know I love him, but we just stay till that phase and don't move forward from that point. I asked him if he still care bout the girl he loves and he said boldly 'yes'. Gosh... I really² thank God for giving me a chance to know him..

Stay at home...

2004-07-08T23:38:00.000-07:00

Stay at home all day, listen to Craig David, Boyz II Men, and barely go to bathroom to take a bath. Eat my Italian Hearty Pasta and stuck in front of computer. Well, isn't it nice to have a day off from all activites? Hope that I will get refresh in the praise and worship night. Ah, anyway, I love my aquapets because it's pink and cute. I don't know since when I love pink colour. Course it wasn't because Legally Blonde 2 that I just watched yesterday.

Pink is nice, and actually the color is on right now. I can see pink dominates most boutique and fashion store here. I went to Inex's blog and wonder about the price of that soap. People said that her charcoal face soap is quite expensive, but I still consider it was cheap for AUD. Especially because she bought 98 g of it. I wonder if I should buy one too and try it.... *hahaha*.. Hmm lesse, where's the Lush US?

A Call from Distance Land

2004-07-08T07:56:00.000-07:00

I got a call from distant land. Well, not that I don't want him to call, but... it will be bad if I melt because of his call and his voice and his gentleness towards me. Oooh, another temptation.. And I'm so wondering why he called me out of other girls? It flattered me tho... heeheehee.. well, hope he has a great time enjoying holiday. His step sister looked for him everywhere yesterday because he thought that the guy is missing. The guy itself afraid if his stepsister has a special feeling towards him. I kinda miss talking to him. In fact, I miss talking to people.

Well, guys in general, erm.. not really. Hahaha, no no no, I'm not a kind of playgirl and there's more than guy in my head. But my I realize that one of my weaknesses is easily fall in love. Yeah...

Soup

2004-07-07T08:36:00.000-07:00

I made my own sausage and vegetable soup today. It's really nice although I think I was putting too much salt inside. Hahahha, it's a good experience. Maybe God wanna train me to be a good housewife?

I called a special friend today. He's in M city. When I was talking with him, I start on thinking to be faithful with my candidate. I can't go on move from one heart to another like this. Then I thought that they are still the candidats, which in reality, what I do is okay. Still, I'm afraid to start a relationship even if I want to do it. I told the M city guy about this. I... I trully don't know why. I just afraid that the relationship will hurt me and him. I know, I know that hurting is the consequence of starting a relationship.

The reason is I know how does it feel like to have my heart broken. I also know that everyone in this whole world must be experienced it, whether it was with their parents, their friends or their bf/gf or hubby/wife... Ah..

Forbidden Love

2004-07-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

I will consider him if he doesn't have any girl friend. Unfortunately, he has a gf already in Indonesia. Well, his experience kinda same with me, always have long distance relationships. Tonite this guy drove me home. It was a nice experience to look at his big warm hand and listen to his story.

Actually, I don't mind to stay late at my friend's house, but because I wanna spend time together with him and see more about him, I asked him for help to drive me home. He told me about his hi skool time when he was in Indonesia. He said that when he first went to the hi skool, he made a decision that he will make an unforgettable moment in that skool, but unfortunately, he gotta come here before he finish his skool.

Well, God, forgive me for ~~loving~~ considering somebody else's boyfriend.

Hahahah, of course I won't do anything, beside I still have another candidates... hahahaha... well, gotta wait for God's timing ;).

Mum's Going Back

2004-07-05T05:58:00.000-07:00

Yeah, my mum is going back to Indo tomorrow. Time move faster than before. A week feels like a day. Or is it just my feeling ;). Anyway, she left me here with a $100 parking fine. It happened about two or three days ago when I went to city with her.

I was the one who told her to park on the free zone. At that time I didn't see any obstacle why she couldn't park there, but afterwards, after the afternoon walking in the city, my mum saw a small paper on the windscreen. It was a fine paper with the $100 amount written on it.

I still don't know why she couldn't park there but then I saw a small sign, which I think a commercial sign. Below it, the bigger sign was said that we need to pay for the parking ticket until 4.15 pm. My mum parked there about 4.37 pm, that's why I think that the park already free.

But when I saw that commercial sign, it said that from 4 pm - 6 pm, no car can be parked over there unless they pay for the parking ticket. Shoot! Now I need to go to the city council to pay for the fine!.. Well, things happened.

Euro Finale

2004-07-04T23:06:00.000-07:00

Well, me and my friends watch the Euro's Cup 2004 finale in my house and I was kinda surprised that Portugal lost to Greece (0-1). I was touched when I see how Rio Costa, Ronaldo and friend almost made themselves a goal. Omegosh, can't believe that they lose. It must be hurt for the team to lose when they play their final in their own place.

I was touched when I see Ronaldo's sad face because I saw his hard work in the last 10 minutes to attempt a goal for him and for the team. But he was failed.

Uhhh... I guess we all know that feeling, when we really work hard for something to happen then at the last minute, we found out that we're not gonna succeed in what we do, but we still keep trying and trying. Well, at last it's still better to be the 2nd and not the 3rd and so on. Let us give thanks because of that...

Called him!!!!

2004-07-04T11:30:00.000-07:00

Can't believe that i just called him. Well, it was a big step. I just wanna call him cause there is still $4 inside my international phone card. Hm, well, that's my reason. Nothing more. Well, maybe something more, ... Ahahaha.. anyway my friends still haven't come. Omegosh!

Back to topic. I only talked with him for about three minutes and in between those three minutes, I got some distraction from the operator, telling me about the time that I have left from the card... I still remember about the last 30 secs. I wished him a good nite :) Hope he has one tonite...

Happiness and Sadness in Relationship

2004-07-04T08:41:00.000-07:00

Yeah, he replied my email!! Oh well, I got the sms alert when I was playing gunbound. I was so happy when I received it.

I opened my yahoo mail after finished the gunbound then read an email about love between 2 people which was sent by my friend in Jakarta. It says that if we confuse about the one we should choose in between 2 choices then we should choose the one that we wanna share about our sadness with because there are more sadness in life than happiness.

Well, I don't really agree with the last sentence because I think people value different kind of happiness. Some people are quite happy if they have big money and some are quite happy if they have an elegant branded car. We can't really adjust and say that there are more sadness in life than happiness. Happiness and sadness are not the base of choosing our match in life, our soulmate.

Ah.. at least that's what I think...

Another blog...

2004-06-25T04:48:00.000-07:00

Well, here i am, making a blog.. dunno for what. Guess just for helping a friend in need. First thing first, i'm gonna make a good use of this blog.

:: The Anonymous ::

Ideals

Dear friend...

Increase in Interest-rate

Looks Matter

R e n e w a l

How do you know when he or she is 'the' one?

To mend the remnants of my broken heart...

Get Over the Hump

Back from Hiatus

Lurve...

Sagacious

His Grandma

Ask for things

2 Roads

Acetylseryltyrosylserylisol...serine

Winning

Living Life to the Fullest

Trust

Trip Down Memory Lane

Reason to Call

Love at 1st Sight

Everyone is Beautiful

God's Fingerprints

Perfección Temeroso

Love/Loss/Gain

Just So You Know...

*yay*

Ideals

Happiness

Fate

Being Yourself

Love Love Love

Great expectations

Something Called Love

Friendster

Carpe Diem situation

Be Glad

Pink is IN!

Gossip

Dog Food

I'm Trying

Insensitivity Sensors

Cooker...

Rain

Green Tea

Music = part of Life

Chick Lit Books

Walla.com

Kinda Attracted

Event Organizer

Envy

The Mac OS X

Private Identity

Blur

Sophie's World

3 languages

Curious Incident...

The Day

Forcing Yeee... :P

Simple R

Miss Him?

He Knew It!!

A Love Package

Old Love

Valentine

A 'Friend'

What will you do?

Told him

Tell

Silly Guy, I L U

M back for good

Sama2 Suka

A Career Woman

I .. love him

Stay at home...

A Call from Distance Land

Soup

Forbidden Love

Mum's Going Back

yay